Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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