Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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