You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
