Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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