And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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