Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
