Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
