i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
