Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Shame is for Republicans.
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