I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
