Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
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