My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
sarcasm needs its own font
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
