we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
