i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Come see our sink grown plant.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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