I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
