Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
