Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
