I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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