Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
