apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
