If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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