Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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