An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
