your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
