Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
