He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
