So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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