when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
