I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
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