All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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