Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I need to stop coming to work sober
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
We have started to decorate penises.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
