Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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