God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
