This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Randomize
