I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
