I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
