just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
