When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
