i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
