So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
