The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
