Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
