I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
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