I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
