he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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