Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
