Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
