I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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