His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
