Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
