I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
