all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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