I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
