I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
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