I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
