New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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