Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
