1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
